I just dropped in to see what condition my acquisition was in

I just dropped in to see what condition my acquisition was in

For reasons that probably lie in the lack of a marketing and sales budget, the acquisition of payments provider Bantam Banana (don’t ask) by fintech behemoth Moby Trick (founded by Merman Helville) has prompted a flurry of comments from companies that have sweet F.A. to do with the event.

Financial terms of the acquisition were not disclosed, but unfortunately the comments from firms desperate for exposure were enclosed – namely in emails that had all the personality and flair of a Channel 5 documentary on UK television.

One offending company, who shall remain Bread and Flutter, wheeled out Brad Botherstone, general manager process innovation unit and senior executive vice-president for management product group division (how about a normal and concise job title for once?), with some utterly pointless words.

Botherstone says: “We welcome this acquisition as this will bring a much needed compelling innovative and synergistic boost to the payments market. Bread and Flutter is committed to providing our customers the most comprehensive and up-to-date service available. In addition to expanded country coverage, Bread and Flutter continues to increase the depth of our services, regularly adding updated lists and rates.”

There were also more opinions from trilogy-loving Botherstone – and via the conduit of a plethora of demonic PR firms – he dispensed two more emails rammed with insights that are now being used as anaesthetics in a local hospital.

Terence Templeworthy, overworked reporter at the overly flippant payments magazine Pay and Horseplay, responds: “Everyone is entitled to their opinion on such an event, but it would be great if they could not email them to me. Keep it to a tweet, your blog or the narcissistic realm of LinkedIn. I don’t need all these emails from PR firms offering such twaddle. A simple read of our publication would reveal that we don’t use them.”

Like the frenzied rattling of a Gatling gun, the perniciously awful comments from Botherstone were sent to journalists far and wide with no accuracy or intelligent targeting. Sadly, Templeworthy was not alone in his suffering.

Catherine Voltaire, deputy editor at investigative journal I Know What You Paid Last Summer, adds: “Clearly the literary skills of Shakespeare, Milton and Dickens – and the combined wisdom of Confucius, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama – are all under threat from the memorable missives of Botherstone. He mustn’t stop being so awesome.

“The irony is that I emailed Bread and Flutter – and Botherstone – a month ago for comments on a system failure at the company. It took two weeks for them to respond curtly with ‘We don’t offer such comments’. How about some give and take now and then?

“Botherstone needs a hearty pat on the back for his beautifully crafted words. However, I should point out that my accuracy has waned over the years, and the ‘hearty pat’ may potentially end up as an almighty slap in the face. Just saying. It could happen.”

Comments
  • Craig Borysowich 31 August, 2017 at 1403

    Yeah.. I literally rolled on the floor – thanks for this!

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